Wowzers

Wow!! So the week that "BOB" and I broke up was a horrible week!! It was soooo emotional!!! Bob breaks up with me on Monday and then on Tuesday I found out that, well we will just call him Fred, got married. I wasn't sad that Fred got married, I was more in shock then anything! I was just staring into space saying wow, like over and over!! Its a hard situation! Theres no way that Fred and I could ever be together again! Its hard though cause we were best friends and then were engaged, then lived together, and were constantly in each others lives for 9 years! Thats a long time to be apart of somebodys life. Theres apart of me that will always love him, but I can't be his BFF anymore!! Its too hard!! Everyone knows mine and Fred's past...its a rough and rocky past....but despite everything I think that hes a good person! He just e-mailed me the other day and told me how much he misses my friendship and still wants to be friends and how sorry he is about "BOB" and how "BOB" is retarded.....I was thinking...well....I guess you and BOB are both retards then...LOL!! I didn't say it out loud though!! When I read his e-mail I was at church and I just started crying like hard core!! Theres a lot of feelings that I keep supressed, I guess you could say. When he talks to me he makes all kinds of memories, events, feelings, and emotions come flooding through me! Thats why I have been ignoring him for months now! It just has been easier that way...for me! Since he has been texting and e-mailing me I have to give myself pep talks just to go to sleep!! I can't let it get the best of me and bring me down to the level that I was at! It has taken me 3 years to make the progress that I have made it to at this point! It has not been a easy road for me! When he came to Texas we said our "real" goodbyes! That meant forever.....we weren't going to have anything to do with each other! Me and him have this really bad cycle that we have to talk to each other at least every 3 months! I don't know how he expects to keep talking to me having a wife!! I'm sure that she doesn't like him talking to me! Knowing our past and what a strong bond and connection we have.....no girl in her right mind would! I know when I have somebody special in my life or I'm married I'm not going to be able to continue any kind of relationship with him. He complicates things for me! To make a long story short, I haven't decided if I am going to continue to have a friendship with him! I already told him that I'm not going to make a decision with my emotions because if that was the case we all know what my decision would be!! I'm not going to set myself up to get hurt! I've had enough hurt for this year!! Between him and BOB, I can't take much more! Hes expecting me to e-mail him back but I don't think that he wants me to tell him how I feel! He'd prob be really mad when he got done reading it...I'm sure of it!! I already wrote him a e-mail before I broke up with him but decided not to send it cause it was really rude!! I don't know what to do!! Whatever is going to cause me the least amount of pain and suffering!!! I don't know why I continue to torture myself!!! LOL Enough about that!!!