Do you really know me???

So my question today is....Do you really know me...or do you only know the amy that I let you see??

I think that a lot of my "friends" really don't know me as well as they think they do. Do you know my life story? Have you heard my "story" 100,000,000 times and are sick of it?? I think that a lot of people see me as just a big sweetheart that has no scars and has not lived "life". People think that just because I grew up in church, that my life has always been "A" ok. That I have never been hurt by the struggles or just life in general. I know that a lot of my friends think that I don't take anything serious and I just think that life is a big joke. I really don't think that life is a joke, I just don't think that you should be miserable if you don't have to be. In a lot of situations, I think that you can't change it, so why be sad and gloomy. I think that you have a choice to either be happy or sad! I think that you should make the best of any situation. Sometimes the situation doesn't go the way that you thought it should, but it is the way that it went and just make the best of it. So Erica, I do listen to what you say...there are reasons that I take "life as a joke". lol.

Life hasn't always been my best friend, as for many people it hasn't been. I had a dead beat dad that left me when I was little. Not only did he leave me, but he was physically abusive as well. I remember as a little girl the things that he did to me. While I was growing up, I remember I wanted his approval so bad and I just wanted him to love me or want me. I thought that in some way my mom was keeping me away from him. When I turned 18, I found my dad and found out that, that was not the case at all. If my mom had been keeping me from him, it was really for my best interest. My dad still had not changed and he was still a dead beat dad. I learned that I had a brother from my dad who was 5 at the time. I used to look at him with envy, because my dad was raising him and I felt like my dad chose my brother over me. I don't know why I got so butt hurt about it, I guess it was just because my dad kind of acted like a dad with my brother and he never did that with me. It hurt that he never even tried to be my dad. I tried for awhile to stay apart of my dad's life, but just like always he "disappeared". I learned in the end, that my dad didn't deserve to be a part of my life.

My mom had got married when I was 5 and started a family shortly after. I got a brother and a sister from my mom and step dad. I always struggled trying to find my place to fit in. I felt like a outsider, almost as if I was adopted or was a foster child. I even had family members tell me that they weren't my family. That really hurt as a young person and didn't know where I was to turn to. I remember I used to feel such relief when I would walk into the house of God. I felt free to cry my heart out, because I felt that he was the only one that could hear me or understand my troubles. Most of my teenage years I felt alone. I thought about taking my life when I was 15. I thought that I would be better off if I wasn't on this planet anymore. Right when I was getting ready to take my life, my pastor pulled up into my drive way and said he was thinking about me...that was random....that was God. I thought wow, God must really care since he sent somebody my way who didn't live even in the same city as me.

When I was 17 I got my first boyfriend. He was my first everything. First hug, first kiss, and he was the person that I gave my virginity to. I ask myself even today...why did I give it up to the first person that waltzed into my life? The reason is because he was the first person that gave me attention and I yearned for attention. It was like a drug..I had to have it! When I was 17, I found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited! Not because of the reason of starting a family, the reason was because I knew that I would have at least one person in this world that would always love me. It sounds twisted, but I know that a lot of young girls feel this. I ended up losing the baby and that was the end of that. A part of me was relieved, but there was a bigger part of me that was sad. I was so sad that I wanted to TRY and have a baby. Was I on crack?? I was only 17 and I was trying to have a baby. I wouldn't even say that I really loved the guy that I was with. I wouldn't say that I was ever attracted to him...I thought he was nice...but thats where I would cross the line. I didn't even know what Love was at that time. So at 17 I was in a loveless relationship, I was with him for the attention, and I was trying to have a baby. Pretty sad? Try..disturbing. My boyfriend asked me to marry him after only know me for 2 weeks. I thought that was kind of weird, but I wanted to get married. I thought the idea of getting married was a nice thought and I knew that it meant that I would have someone that loved me forever...at least in my mind, thats the way that it was supposed to be. I had been the perfect christian, or so I thought, but I no longer had the desire to attend church anymore. The first thing I did when I quit church was chop all of my hair off. I still wore skirts, but I think it was because it was more of a conviction for me. I started to get to the point to where I didn't necessarily love my boyfriend, but I was definitly attatched to him emotionally. I thought that I couldn't live without him and I just wouldn't be the same. Sounds retarded, if you ask me. Why would you revolve your entire life over one guy? Unless your a freak!! lol Time went by and before you knew it, I was 19. At the age of 19, I got married to my boyfriend. This time I married him because it was the right thing to do. My pastor told me it was only right because I had lost my virginity to this man. I think that I was starting to get wild when I was 19 because I didn't want to marry him, but I didn't want to leave him either. So we got married in Reno and it was horrible!! It wasn't the will of God or anyone else for that matter! We would fight a lot and there were a lot of times were I couldn't stand the sight of him. I was trying to make it though. Divorce wasn't a option in my mind. We were only married a few months and he moved me away from my family and friends to a foreign place. (Utah) It was horrible and I hated it, but I tried to make the best of it. Our marriage went downhill and I don't think either of us wanted to be with each other anymore. We didn't even try to make it work. I won't go into the gruesome details, but it ended by the time I was 22.

I moved back home with my family, but I didn't stay there long. I think that I was only home for about a month and then I was off to bigger and better things. I moved to Texas to be with my new boyfriend. He was the love of my life. Through him I learned what love was really about. I learned that love was all about give and take. I learned what my convictions in God really were. I learned that I didn't have to have somebody to tell me how to live or what was right. I discovered who I really was. It was crazy, but in Texas is where I grew the most as a person. I was happier then I had ever been. I thought, wow, he is the one. He treated me like I was a princess! I should've known that it was too good to be true. We both had issues. I was still dealing with past issues that I had never worked on or let go of. I had so much hurt that I just held on to. He was dealing with his own share of hurt. 2 hurting people together just wasn't a good combonation. Things turned physical and emotional. It turned into something that neither of us ever dreamed would happen. It got to the point where I knew that I had to get out of the situation, and so I did when I was 24.

I moved back home again, but this time I wasn't looking to move with the next guy that popped into my life. I have learned and grown so much since moving back home. I have close and even best friends here. I am closer to God then I have ever been. I think that part of the reason that I got close to God was because I had no one else to turn to. God is amazing, life is amazing, even when I think that I am at my wits end, I know that I will always have Jesus even if life doesn't turn out the way that I thought it would. I left out a lot of details on purpose. I think that some things just don't need to be repeated and some things just need to be forgotten. If your one of my close friends and your like...wait.....what happened to this....maybe some things just need to die with the past in order for one to move on with ones future.

I have had a lot of life experiences that I didn't even mention on here. I know that I have a calling and I will do amazing things for God and his glory. I know that I CAN help other girls that are out there. There is nothing about my past that I would ever change...never. If I could change one thing about myself it would be...I wish I could take my own advise...I'm great at giving advice...just not taking it. Anyways...thats enough for today...my hand hurts...lol....and for Jen....we will talk about wrestling moves next time...hahaha